The inner map has changed; familiar corner stones of who I am as a person are no longer there - i find myself floundering. Am I a better person for the change or worse? Its a question I cannot resolve - only time will provide an answer or so I hope.
Everything is a point of view, a perspective, especially when it comes to deciding what is 'right' and 'wrong'. I have always believed in eternal truths - simple truths of honesty and goodness and compassion and humanity. What is difficult is reconciling these on a more personal level - into relationships. Then everything becomes more malleable - a shift occurs, depending on culture, religion, socio-economic status. What is unacceptable in one society becomes acceptable in another. Beliefs differ in the same society at different points in time and in different societies at the same point in history. Experiences mould us - yes - but it is also important that the kernel of truth and honesty with our own inner selves be maintained at all costs.
A 'life-event' he calls it and I cannot think of a more apt description.
HE is a life-event.
Events that cause seismic shifts, not necessarily outwardly (although that can happen), but inwardly. Where one's very philosophy is called into question. Where one discovers that one is not what one thought oneself to be. Though in this case - I believe I have grown.
The spiritual and the sexual - so intertwined, like the DNA strands, one actually feeds off the other. So often this assertion makes hackles rise as it goes against the very face of traditional 'religion' and I use the word 'religion' as opposed to 'spirituality'. But it has been my personal experience, that the spiritual often increases and contributes towards sexuality and the danger then lies in getting enamoured by this particular by-product and losing sight of the actual goal.
I have digressed - but to be honest I am not talking of this or that in particular - just following a strand of thought, talking to myself if you will. This tug of war between the sexual and spiritual is the oldest known conflict in terms of personal growth. And this conflict has led to a 'life-event'.
How do I quantify what has happened - can I and should I quantify it? Is this seismic shift measurable? What I was , what I am and what I will be - is it quantifiable? Can love ever be quantified?!