What next ? 

To blue or not to blue ??!! 

The umbilical chord and the whole woman.

The computer went kaput on friday and feel really cut off from the world. Its like the umbilical chord connecting me to the world. What a pity and reality this is, that we need to connect with fellow human beings through something as inanimate and dead as a amachine to connect to a living human being ! Well thats modern tragedy for you or is it ??!! It at least provides with come opportunity to connect to the world for those poor souls who have no other recourse and are complete social failures. So i suppose it depends on how you look at it really. And so here i am at an internet cafe typing away in glorious ecstacy ! LOL. How tragic is that ! LOL !
Incidently, talking about umbilical chords, have been reading Germain Greer's book , 'The whole Woman'. Am not a feminist by any stretch of imagination but certainly it makes a whole lot of sense to me in a quite a few ways. Having to constantly pay the prize for being a woman, and being in the battling zone all the time, one is always on the look out to make sense out of ones own existence and then even one is an idealist then the prize is even more heavier !
WEll more about that later..got to fly now...the cafe owner is tapping at my shoulders.

I ASPIRE ! 

Over the edge.

Experienced what it was to topple over the edge. Not very pleasant,( LOL !) Depths of despair, wretchedness, hopelessness and beyond. Oh no, not very pleasant at all !
BUT
Its all over.
A new journey begins.
There is too much pain in this world around me. There are wars n famines n sickness n death n people maimed n homeless n poor n old n disowned n worse.
AND
I think my pain is horrid ????? NEVER.
That over one single MAN i could let myself slide ????? NEVER.
That one single job could get me down ????? NEVER.
I have lost too many before to let this get me down.
So what if i am in an alien country, so what if i have to start from scratch. I am not on the streets am i ??? I have a family who loves me, who depend on me to love them. A son whose love is the driving force of my life.
So do i stay in the black hole ? NEVER.
So now i have been
over the edge
and
now i am
BACK.

Enough .

Enough is enough !

Cried a river yesterday. No more. Nobody is worth the pain i went through, am going through. I am not the only one going through pain, there are those worse off than I am. I WILL NOT allow myself to be at somebody's, anybody's mercy anymore ! They aren't worth the pain. Certainly not worth wasting a life on.
I'll probably fall off the track again, my heart has been flushed down the drain time and again. But try i will.
AT the end of the day it is more of YOUR loss ! Perhaps you had good intentions at heart, but it was important that you told me. It was important that you let me know why you did what you did, I would have understood it. But you did not even think me worthy of that. You think of me as NOTHING.
Unacceptable. Thats what it is. I would have been happy just to be a friend. You wouldn't even grant me that dignity.

Enough.

Can it get any worse ? It will probably, if it can !

Just another day in paradise. Lost my job. Start again. Life goes on. Shitttttttt.

Empty.

Its ironical, but certainly not surprising, that after talking about being happy, invariably I should talk about being unhappy ! LOL ! Certainly the story of everybody's life. Nothing unique there, but still, write i must! How else do i purge it ???
After the horrific stress and disappointments of last 12 yrs. life suddenly seems empty, devoid of any motivation. Suddenly the self-imposed rules don't seem valid any more (maybe its my hangover doing the talkin..lol !) and the irony is that the one time in my life i was willing to break those rules, for once do something that was just for myself and myself alone (not being a wife, not a mother, not a daughter or daughter-in-law !)just ME the WOMAN with all her needs, desires and loves, it was smack bang thrown back into my face. How encouraging is that ! So where does that leave me ???
its important to talk, to tell whats in ones mind and thats exactly whats not happenin. Smokescreens are disastrous for everybody. They are not clever, just stupid, conducive to creating more n more heartaches ! I can't understand why friendships can't exist ??? Is it so difficult to write mails ?? To share problems ?? To tell whats on ones mind ?? If it is the case, then the only conclusion one can possibly derive is that the individual concerned doesn't want to ! The earlier we accept that, the better it is. Certainly for me. No use fretting is there ??! This is how it is. No pain. No happiness either. Just EMPTY. !

The Collectibles.

I collect moments.Happy moments. Random moments. I call them 'The Collectibles'. Happiness isn't a continuous process, it involves active hunting or one might never find it. Why am i writing this thought ? Don't know really, just recording it for it needs to be firmed somehow. It needs a certain stillness really or the moment just disappears swallowed by the rippling events of life. The moments need to be saved from the tsunamis or I fear that when the end finally comes one might realise that one has never been happy, been so busy chasing 'things', which one thinks might make one happy that one looses out on actually 'being' happy. Chasing money, sex, success, love;in that order ??!! Could be, I don't really know. Life as a journey with a changing landscape sometimes barren sometimes beautiful, sometimes both, sometimes with companions who make you happy, sometimes unhappy sometimes lonely and sometimes alone. Its amazing really, when you distance yourself from it for a moment how very frivolous it seems, and to what end ?? What are we here for ?? And then the emptiness compels us to fill ourselves, sex, drugs, alcohol, love. Everybody wanting the same thing, but nobody willing to give it really. Everybody wants to be safe in their own little cocoons and not reach out. I don't know whats wiser, not trying, not reaching out at all, or reaching out inspite of the horror of rejection. I don't know. I am obsessed with love. I love to love. Oh ! and making love of course , the magic of it when when is in love. Sigh. So many struggles, so many rejections, but then one can always find, The Collectibles :-).

Hmmmm...

The last blog just got deleted, don't know why..didn't have the energy to re-write, so a lil breather...but the whirring of thoughts continues...hmmmmm....

Life is so uncertain (i suspect for everyone ) but moreso for one-self..right now...there are so many questions looming..what next ??? Job ?? Finances ?? Lil'fella's education (priority !!)..in fact the only reason I seem to be living life..seems to be for the kid (oh! theres plenty of love around..thats not it !) but you know..a sort of focus to life..for some its the quest of money..(for me it used to be education..more n more n more !! ..ahhh...those dreams of writing..of the Ph.D..sigh..dreams indeed !)..but now the purpose of life, seems to be just to see him happy ! And..thats exactly why I don't give up on u-know-whos thoughts, it adds to life..even if its pain..it adds colour..something to wallow in..something you can curl up on the sofa and dream about..no other dreams left ! Oh-oh no whining there..i have it pretty good actually..am grateful..to GOD..am always aware..always..that things could be worse...

Just one look around the world..at empty lives..at struggles..at wars..at famines..at deaths..at losses..at hunger..oh-yes considering..am alright.

Wham !

Once again...I go Wham !Crash ! Bang ! So unexpected. I wasn't supposed to crack like this again.
Just returned from a holiday with my dearest...was so happy...am still happy in fact.. been married forever..and the love hasn't diminished, if at all, if possible, has increased, am so lucky to have him....they why ???!!!!!
Why this ! Why did this have to happen....its so confusing...i shdn't be..., its not supposed to work this way..it doesn't work this way.... some bland shitty words..how are you...i am so busy...blah..blah..blah...should have given up a long time ago...when I could....
Can't get it out of my head.....partings...violence that i sense.. bottled it all up...??!! hurt ... hurt...so much...
what was all that...what was it...!!!