To act.

Its always possible to act on a positive goal resulting out of a negative experience !
Go for it baybeh !!

Life.

Keep walking. This too shall pass.

Being friends.

Being friends is all about being there.
Being friends is all about listening.
Sharing the good times and bad.
Keeping in touch.
Making an effort to be there even when its incovenient.
To be there when your friend needs you.
 
You said, ''Can't we just be friends ??!!!''
We can and I was one to you.
I made an effort.went out of my way. listened to you when you needed it. stayed up even when it was inconvenient.kept aside my own needs and emotions and was there.i kept in touch.i shared your good times and bad.
I became 'just' a friend as you asked me to be even though i felt more.
 
The question is did you become mine ???

Lost you.

Time : almost midnight
 
Mood : sad but deeply contemplative
 
Events of the day : heartbreaking loss
 
Thoughts :
 
Questions :                                                          Answers :
1) Why did it happen?                                    1) Why does anything ever happen !
2) Why did it have to happen to me?           2) Who doesn't suffer in this world !
3) What next ?                                                 3) Whatever it might be, acceptance and courage !
4) How do I deal with it ?                               4) Change what you can and accept what you cant !
 

Here goes !

It doesn't matter if you fall...what matters is that you get up again.
so here goes !

Yeah ! Yeah !

Yeah !
I did it finally !
Naaaah..not what you might think that I did ;-)
actually
I finally managed to get my booklist exactly where I wanted it to be on the side bar. Small victory you might argue but to me biggggg, what with not knowing a thing about html and templates and the works.
Very very satisfying indeed !
A good start to a day, wouldn't you just agree :-)

I think n therefore I am.

Freedom-
Freedom is fragile and must be protected. To sacrifice it, even as a temporary measure, is to betray it.
 
Inhibition-
Yet if a woman never lets herself go, how will she ever know how far she might have got? If she never takes off her high-heeled shoes, how will she ever know how far she could walk or how fast she could run?
 
AND
 
Love-
Love, love, love -- all the wretched cant of it, masking egotism, lust, masochism, fantasy under a mythology of sentimental postures, a welter of self-induced miseries and joys, blinding and masking the essential personalities in the frozen gestures of courtship, in the kissing and the dating and the desire, the compliments and the quarrels which vivify its barrenness.
 
- Germaine Greer
 
ahhhh...can't leave without a link to inspire !

As usual.

We spoke
but did we really ??
I spoke
as usual
you didn't listen.
You spoke
I listened
for sounds
beyond and between
as usual
they didn't exist.
I tried
to reach out
as usual
I crashed into the glass wall.
You spoke
I listened
as usual
there was nothing there.
I spoke
the shutters came down
as usual
Your shutters.
I broke
as usual
you didn't care
We spoke
But did we really ??
 

Lighten up :-)

Good Lord ! I HAVE been taking myself toooo seriously, haven't I ??!! Need to lighten up, eh buddies ?? (I do hope i have some out there !).  so Idecided I really shouldn't be making everybody around me morose, who doesn't have problems !!! So what i did was decided to have some fun and in the process also learn maybe, a few home truths about myself, and put myself to a few EQ Tests....can be pretty useful you know...looking at oneself in the eye and saying..well, this is THE TRUTH..and better do somethin about it buddy..and ..ahhh..did i learn a few interesting things !!
 
..maybe..jus..maybe u could find something out about yourselves too...have fun ;-)  
  

Something to think about.

Mood : Pensive

Seven sins: wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, worship without sacrifice, politics without principle. (any takers ???)

-Mahatma Gandhi

Thoughts :

What next ?
Bring closure.
New thoughts.
Stop emotional dependency.
TEll the world to *uck off.

Amazing grace....

Theres grace all around us, its for us to feel it, all we need to do is reach out to it, I felt it today....

It was my son's sports day today and there I was sitting all alone on a bench, when this lady came and sat next to me. On an impulse, I wished her (tho' i wasn't quite sure that she would respond) and surprisingly it turned into a major heart-to-heart conversation and the things that i learnt..!!! I can't help but think that it was Grace, God trying to get a message across to me (esp. after the orgy of self pity) trying to wake me up ! Here's her story....

She was a Bosnian married to a Frenchman...and..had just recently lost her husband of 12 yrs and her mother in a car crash ! she had lost 7 members of her family and now lived alone with her father...and..had to bear the major part of the financial burden..as a result she couldn't spend as much time as she wanted with her daughter as she didn't have a choice !!!!....and suddenly i realised how petty I had been....I had choices...!! What a big thing that is...! Such bravery..n.. I said as much to her..and again she said..I don't have a choice..i HAVE to be brave for my daughter's sake..and said how lucky she was that she could live 12 beautiful years with the love of her life and how many had that kind of happiness.....how true...what AMAZING GRACE...!

It was/is my wakeup call..its time to count my blessings...our blessings...

Let there be......LIGHT !. 

Hormonal hell in hindsight.

I've been in hormonal hell n skulking around in black self-pity, feeling like a pincushion crossed with a cactus, drowning myself in the sorrow of loss n despair and then,
On the news came the pitiful emaciated face of a baby starved to death, lying inert n skeletal in the hands of his mother, whose dry eyes were even more devastating than had she been crying. It was news about the starvation deaths of children in the adivasis (aboriginals) in one of the most affluent states in India. I was shocked out of my pig-like wallowing in self-pity. THAT was pain, limitless pain. I couldn't imagine what the mother would have been going through, thinking about; perhaps she was glad that her baby's suffering had finally ended.
And
WHAT DO WE ALL DO ABOUT IT ???
NOTHING.
We just all go on about our lives, living in our own little worlds, with our little worries and pretend that what happened/happens didn't happen. How convenient. Lets all get on with our lil lives shall we, to our own precious hormonal hells ??!!

How little we are. I'll be damned.

LOST ! 

To just be.

Staring at the flickering screen ; a gale blowing outside ; ensuing greyness ; the streets of London ; and the world frozen and bound by four corners of the monitor ; I imagine an existential existence, boundless in its capacity, a passion so wild that it feeds upon itself ???
Staring at the flickering screen, i wonder who the foolmaker is;
the gale howling outside or is it me ??? the woman beast, caged n pacing ; ensuing darkness; the streets of London glowing bleak; my world frozen and exploding within the four corners of the monitor, I imagine a hedonistic existence, so hungry that it feeds upon itself ???
Staring at the flickering screen, i wonder who really is me;
All i want, is to just be.

Blogging problems.....arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh !

Help !!
My blogspot site seems to have been hijacked ! Don't know how to tackle the problem, everytime i try to open my site, this malicious programme hijacks it and i can't go on to my site at all :-(.
Since the blog is very private can't really turn to anyone i know for help...arrrrrrgh..n just as i was beginning to get some response..this happens...
Can't even go on to the webrings..anything and everything associated with the blog seems to have been hijacked......!!

SOMEBODY HELLLLLLLLLP....!

WHOLE ??? 

The Whole Woman : Of Queens & Whores.

Yessssss !
Finally I am visible to the world ! Just got added to the Women Blogger's ring ! A very satisfying end to a not-so-satisfying day. I can finally be who I am, say what I want, and have an existence NOT governed and ruled and controlled by every other entity except myself. Very satisfying indeed.

Just read an article, a few days ago, in the Times about the crisis that gender selection has caused in large parts of Northern India. The steep imbalance in the male-female ratio has caused a rip in the fabric of society. I would have thought (wishful thinking, i suppose !!)that the steep decline in the no. females whould cause them to be treated as Queens, instead they have been turned into Whores ! Why am i surprised, really ??? Hasn't power routinely been used to subjugate, control and abuse ??? Isn't that the norm rather than the exception in the so called 'civilised' world that we live in today ??? Whatever the situation, male-female, rich-poor, black-white, young-old, employer-employee, hasn't always power being the deciding, controlling factor ??? It would be Utopia, indeed had it been otherwise. NO. I am most definitely not surprised. At the end of the day, its about the politics of power. Mr. Picasso was certainly right in painting the woman blue (whatever his personal blue periods !!) and of course what better way to depict the fragmented woman than the cubist way !

Having said all that, I think I can safely conclude that, at the end of the day, neither Queens nor Whores can remotely be 'whole' by any means of standards so long as they remain women.