The importance of the exclamation mark.

Grrrrrroan, not again, not having these number keys working on my keyboard along with the other symbols, especially THE exclamation mark, is a major impediment to my ''oh-so-creative-writing'' potential..hah...like I said to someone, my entire life seems to be one huge exclamation mark..so God help me ..ugggggh..no exclamation mark..when i need it ..I'll use an # instead, do you think it might work ? Weird..but what the hell..might as well find a replacement #

Ahhh, thats what we try to do in life, don't we ? Find replacements to original parts, replace love with sex, dissatisfaction with drugs, get the picture ?? I am not sure it works though..hmmm..but I've been so whiny in here that I seriously need a break from myself# Could I replace myself ? Replace the original with the hash instead of an exclamation mark ?? A hash ..naah..thats bad..maybe a star ? Now wouldn't we all just loooove to be tarts...oooops...I meant stars ?? #P.S# since my brackets aren't working either....don't you think tarts, ooops again, I mean stars, have loads of fun, I mean, c'mon whoever heard of a 'woman-of-substance' having fun, eh ? Germaine Greer certainly didn't and neither did Virginia Woolf ## No wonder, Jordan's ' biography' -and- don't YOU dare tell me you don't know who she is - sells more than the Prince's himself, not to mention that she has more fun too, hehehe ## No surprise that, I tell you, no surprise at all..I guess I need to change my guru from Germaine to Jordan ###

So the question that I ask myself is that do I need to replace the hash that my life is, with the exclamation or is it the other way around ?? Questions..questions ##..hmmmm...not a major issue for anybody really, is it ? Just a life, my life. Very funny. Yeah, right.

Truth.

How ironic ; how inevitable ; After the stillness, the whirlpool.

She said, she lived a lifetime in those moments and I wondered if she destroyed a lifetime in those moments. What about the lifetimes of those who invariably are a part of her life ? She seized the moments as I watched from the sidelines; a martyr, perhaps living but not alive ? So many questions, so many rights and wrongs; who's to say whats right and what wrong . I've been told its a matter of perception, the truth, but is it really ? Like the seven blind men finding their own 'truth' about the elephant, the fan, the rope..essentially despite their perception of 'truth', the elephant is, what it IS ! It doesn't change even if perceptions do ! Often, the untruths insidiously dress themselves up in lovely little packages, making it oh, so easy, to cloak them as 'perceptions?' Ahhh..the clever little human mind so adept at playing the eternal game of hide-n-seek with itself ! The absolute truths. Unpalatable truths, especially about ourselves.The rights and wrongs are they absolute too ? I grapple with the whirlpool..and.. She, oblivious ,uncaring, lived a lifetime in those moments; SHE glowed, SHE was happy, SHE was alive; That was her truth.

Still.

A cup of cappuccino ; Zen for a companion ; the world passing by. Soon the stillness wrapped itself around me and peace flowed in my blood stream. The escalators went up and down on either side. A metaphor . Up it goes, down it comes, up it goes again ! People hurrying around, happy faces, sad faces, lost faces, animated faces. Fret not ; the thought suddenly occurs to me, the 'I',( for want of calling it anything better), the 'inside' doesn't or needn't change even if circumstances do. As they say, change is the only constant, but, 'I ' can remain constant too. Happiness should remain constant too. It shouldn't depend on circumstances, be changeable. The source is within. It crept up on me suddenly this thought out of nothingness. I didn't argue with myself, didn't let the 'buts' rear their ugly heads. Too much noise within isn't conducive to happiness. The mirror has to be clear to reflect the Truth. The water still to give a clear reflection. So I let be. I tried. I stilled. I have me to make me happy .The escalators of life go up and down.

Winter....

w

Winter.

Theres that yearning again, rising up in wispy trails flowing through finger tips and reaching out; the nip in the air, the cold strangely burning the heart, the hearbeats rising in crescendo, breathless in fits and starts. I don't want to look in, lest I find you ; my heart betrays me, oh, why did you ???

You taught me....

For some time now, the memory of little Anand has been floating around in my mind and beating in my heart...

He followed me around, this little imp, always with a mischievous glint in his eyes ! Anand, beautiful in a way no other child could ever be ; happiness personified (just like his name indicated) ; taught me what indomitable will and courage were all about...

Anand was an orphan, abandoned and unwanted because he was born a quadriplegic. He had four stubs, for limbs, joined to the torso....close to the ground that so bound him...his face was made beautiful by the presence of a pair of lively sparkling eyes which spoke to you a language which took you beyond mere words ! The rest of the face was what your imagination would make of it. He'd had innumerable corrective surgeries, both on his body and his face, to correct cleft palate, and all sorts of deformities...barely after a month he was born ! I used to work with children having cerebral palsy and thats when he was brought to us from the orphanage as he was diagnosed with C.P. He and I became the best of pals ! He'd shuffle behind me and at speeds you wouldn't imagine possible :). One soon forgot what he 'looked' like..to me he was always beautiful and 'normal', to the extent that there were times when I would even scold him..like I would, any 'normal' naughty pupil in a class ! He knew, he had been abandoned..and he would look at me and ask me why ??? And then when he saw me become sad at that, he would manage a gurgling laugh..whatever sound his tortured throat would permit him..and tell me..that it didn't matter..because he had so much happiness !!! His answer never ceases to amaze me ! He would point at all the other children around him and say..well ..who else lives with their friends always around ??..He would point at the teachers and say..I have so many mums ! Then ...he would look mischievously at me..and say..''and You are my girlfriend !''...Ahhh my nine year old boyfriend....yes indeed...the best young 'Man' ever known to me ! Anand of the indomitable spirit and courage..who taught me about happiness amidst the most harrowing of circumstances. His circumstances. Anand, who taught me the value of appreciating every little thing that we have and truly, we have so much.

Anand, I hope you are well, where-ever you are now...
I miss you but I will always be happy...
Just as you taught me to be.

Feelings....

w

Happy Diwali !

Heres wishing you all out there a very Happy Diwali ! May this festival of lights bring light and happiness into this world and into the hearts and minds of people !

dunno..

What began as an exercise in release, a catharsis if you will has somehow begun to enslave ! Yeah..I am talking about blogging itself . I started to blog cause there was this need to vent and it felt good too..to let it all out...! I enjoy writing ..and this seemed purrrrrrfect...but then now suddenly I feel tied down by it ! Its somehow no longer a singular activity..what I mean really is..its expanded to include so many other things rather than the simple act of writing. Suddenly I think about readers and comments and it affects me and in turn causes its own elation or disenchantment ! And since the advent of 'Blog-explosion'..suddenly its a very 'incestuous' feeling that I get...I still love to write..but this B.E. thing..hmmmm...
I don't know..perhaps its an individual thing..maybe others don't feel this way....

Snapshots of a childhood....

Theres a corner of my mind that I lazily drift into and settle down in, the corner wherein lies the downy comfort of my childhood, the place I go to whenever I want to give myself a soothing treat.......

Lazy Sunday afternoons..still and heavy with fragrances..a profusion of riotous colours splashed around, the fuschia pinks, whites, flaming oranges and magentas of the bouganvilleas which grew everywhere..wild and ever spreading..the burnt sienna savannah grass, tall enough to hide a young child playing hide-n-seek ! How many times had I run through it chasing butterflies or searching vainly for primroses hiding amongst them! Atop the tall grass perched tiny chirping sparrows, all under the sparkling bright azure African sky occasionally broken by wispy clouds. Sometimes there would be a burst of thunderous rain which would come suddenly and with such ferocity, leaving you soaked to the skin and vanishing just as suddenly and leaving behind a bright rainbow stretching endlessly and the lingering fragrance of wet soil......

There I'd be sitting in the window, looking outside, reaching out to pluck the 'Gul-mohar' flowers, from the branches which just about reached my window..and then, suddenly, I'd hear the sound I'd been so patiently waiting for all afternoon ! The tinkling sound of the bell of the ice-cream cart which the ice-cream man would be wheeling ! I'd jump off my perch and glance at my father and he'd look up and smile and off I'd be in a burst of energy..grab a shilling from my piggy bank and in a jiffy be next to the cart..ever so fast..!!!!..and there'd he be smiling, already ready with three ice-cream candy sticks in his hand..one for my aai and baba (mum and dad) each..and one for me...a sacred ritual almost..so special..so simple..and yet so magical, granting a life time of comfort and happiness.....

And today with a child, the exact same age as I was then, I so hope that he too would be granted the gift of happiness which he can burrow into whenever he needs it.....

Hope.

Warning : I am again into my talking-to-myself-mad-as-a-hatter spells !

Me : Arrrrrrgh..there you go again !
My-self : (crossly)What do you mean..there you go again..i ain't going anywhere !

Me : Of course you are ! crawling all over..the net I mean..and that blogging business..don't you have ANYTHING better to do ??
My-self : (a lil defensively) What do you mean 'anything better' ??!! I have THINGS to say !(do i ??..but i am not gonna think about it..)..people read..people think (yeah right..hrrumph).

Me : Ah, they do, eh ? My fuckin ass..they do..what you mean is that YOU hope that they do..pitiful lil creature aren't you !
My-self : What the..now mind your language there buddy..don't want your shitty vitriol flowing all over my sacred space !

Me : Sacred indeed !..and..talking of vitriol..theres enough floating around already..the whole fuckin blogsphere seems to have become one spewing ground..how can it be sacred..look at the rubbish..look at the hate..towards each other..cutting down each other to pieces..the usual mine-is-bigger-than-yours business..oh..yes..i know all about it..! The politcal know-it-alls..the-look-down-upon-mommybloggers..the-i-sure-am-smarter-than-you-fat-assholes..!
My-self :..and just how do you know that ??? Looks like somebody's been crawling around too..and it sure hasn't been me..worm aren't you! !

Me : aaah..well..but..hey..thats NOT the point..the point is..why DO people blog ? Isn't there enough anger and hate around in this world already ?? why here too ? ..and I thought..it was for building bridges..for reaching out...

My-self : Well..I can't speak for every body, can I ?! I can speak only for myself..I blog..coz I feel..I hurt..I look around me..and I want to SAY things..to anybody who'll listen.......the world seems filled with hate..with hurt..with garbage...theres anger everywhere..and people wanting to hurt each other ..and I think ...why ??? could we change all that..by talking to each other ?? by LISTENING to each other...by reaching out and holding out a healing hand..if only by a few kind words...I blog because..... I HOPE...

To soar ..!!

Thats it buddy ! You are getting out of this and NOW !
Enough is enough. No more of this gloomy mess and so....

I'll soar !!

Some birds are destined to soar alone....
should i shed tears....
I could not flock...!
But...
There is no loneliness....
in my aloneness....
some birds are just meant to soar alone..!!

What the..!

I am &*%$ going to get to the bottom of this greyness..not letting it get the better of me..hah..who am I kidding..sigh..just want to hide under a blanket and pretend the world doesn't exist ! No..hang on thats not what i want..what i want, need right now is to be in a roomful of chattering happy people..be in a world..where when you smile..it responds by smiling back at you..(why is so hard for people to do that ??!!)..where a friend is just a phone-call away..oh to have a lil sun in my life...
On the surface everything is oh-so-alright and yet these nagging questions, why am i here..what am i doing..where am i supposed to be going..whats life all about..never ending questions..and no answers. shitttt.

Reaching out ...

s

Entombed !

How long the journey, to what purpose, what soul-less repose awaits me ;
Continuing questions within a tired and confused mind, mindless of withering with time;
Eyes open within sightless respite.....

Screams echo resounding within body walls, shattering nerves and numbing all;
Entombed in a chrysalis, heralding peace, don't want to come out, be damned and doomed; living goes on the inside with life passing by on the outside; the glass wall forever in between....

(good lord ! i DO sound depressed..well..shrug..not all days are the same !)