Stark raving mad !!!

.....I definitely must be !!

I am beginning to have conversations with myself (!!)
and for anyone-whos-remotely-sensible sort will realise that I am too..!!..mad I mean..!
Heres..a snippet..

Scene : Looking at my reflection in the mirror...

Me : You look awful...
Reflection : Harrrrumph ! You always say that..! Can't u be a lil more creative for gods'sakes' ?!!
Me : Wellllllll...(giving a critical knowing look)...hmmm...lemme think..now..that round face...
Reflection : Whatttttttttttt ?! Round..??!! YOu think I am MOON-FACED ??!!
Me : Calm down..calm down..I was about to say..that it helps in you look young..as in yoooung..get it ??!!(with a conspiratory wink!)..after all you, my dear aren't exactly on the right side..of..of..eh ...??!!
Reflection : Stop it..stop it..don't you dare say..it..right side..of !! don't u dare.....(glaring)
Me : Oh for god's sake..why the tantrum ??!! It isn't as if the world has come to an end !
Reflection : (still glaring)..well..it darned well did..yesterday he crossed the dreaded age..and...soon..soon..it will be my turn !
Me : Oustupidgrrrrrl..so thats whats its all about ! Something looming large on the horizon..something that hasn't happened..and you go all out whacko for that..you stupid babes !
Look at me..I don't worry about it..do I ??!!
Reflection : Harrrrrrumph (with a snigger) no wonder..you look the way you do !
Me : (angrily) Now whats..that supposed to mean..besides..I am no BABE (loftily !)..I am the thinking woman..above all this crap !
Reflection : (now in full bloom) Thinking woman, my ass ! You couldn't be a BABE with plastic surgery 10 times over..time to take stock..! Its not far you know..that dreaded b'day..!
Me : (loosing confidence)..I don't care.(and in true Christina Aguilera-(hope-i-spelt-it-right-can't have-the-thinking-woman-go-wrong-!!))....I am beatiful..no matter what they say......!!!!!!!!

I am sure you agree...I AM mad..stark raving.....sigh...!!

Reflections ...life...

I don't know Anjum or his wife Patcy..and..I just came to know from your blog that...cancer took away Anjum from his young wife, Patcy..forever..in a strange land..in a strange city...but NO...he won..like chindu says..HE WON...he didnt loose to death...for he lives..he lives through his courage..and his determination to fight..and his wife's courage..to say..quit..for the pain is unbearable..and his pain is unbearable...for their indomitable spirit and love...and it will live on..oh yes...it will !
I don't / didn't know them as in knowing..but now I think I do..I can feel their pain..and their courage...and my life has been touched by them...
I reflect upon life..and realise how important it is to think about how lucky we really are ! To appreciate life itself and what we DO have...and realise that we waste so much time whining and moaning and pursuing things which are not really important ! We must value every minute that we live with our loved ones..value that we are truly blessed in living the life that we are...blessed with health..blessed with having our loved ones close to us..value it ..oh..value it all..before it is too late..as it is want to be sometimes in life...
Chindu..I don't know you..but now I do...
Thank you for sharing..
My prayers are with Patcy and Anjum and you....
She doesn't know..you don't know..but it doesn't matter...
Thank you .

Reflections...

Purple !

Stuck.

Its been more than 6 months now and more than an year since we uprooted ourselves to make a home in a new country. I think I have coped well, considering all the problems we have been facing and not a soul to help us out except our faith ! The house thing is still where it was, hasn't happened and stuck, hubs job is a big big big issue; he is extremely unhappy but can't do a thing about it except see it through, time will decide for us either ways....it always does...doesn't it ??!! I worry about my lil fello, he's happy enough as of now, but I worry I am not doing enough...This summer i couldn't enroll him anywhere (had thought we were going to move) and as a result he's been stuck at home, no football, no tennis, no nothing...and sometimes when i see other moms (of course they are all born and brought up here !) all confident, I feel so guilty...as if I am not doing enough..sighing...I am always beating myself for things...I should stop I think and give myself a lil credit for things.....have been supporting hubs through it all...keeping all options open and not pressurising him either ways..told him..if he wants to go back..I'll support his decision..whatever it might be ! What more can i do ! ..And then, as if all this wasn't enough I had relatives from back home staying with us...doling advice about how I should be doing more for my son and in the process making me cry..literally ! I felt so humiliated...there wasn't any need to...but i was feeling low...and it really hurt !

But things could be worse..much much worse..and they aren't :-)
I'll pull through..come what may...! I am made of much sterner stuff..!
AS for HIM ...! what of HIM...he came and he left....thats all there is to it. Thats all I am determined to make it.
Feelings ??!! What of them ! They can bloody go drown themselves somewhere and being responsible is my middle name..boring..unfashionable..but solid !

Let there be Light...

..

Why do ....???

Why do bad things happen to good people...??!!!
Why do the dishonest get away with being dishonest ?
Why are the powers that be, almost always corrupt ?
Why is injustice a way of life ?
Why is discrimination carried out everyday on the basis of age, gender, class, colour, race and religion ?
Why do the honest and good almost always have to suffer ?

And yet....

I teach my son..
to be honest
to be just
to be fair
to be beyond corruption...
I hope to God I am right...

And all I can do...
Is to hope..
that it will provide him with the armour to withstand life with all its whiplashings
but I worry...
will it !

Will it ??!!!

Drat !

I am beginning to bore even myself....harrrrumph...its getting all sweet and saccharinelike in here...life is all about bricks and mortar hitting you...lol...and what I need desperately to express is angst...all chilli and peppery.....

-no thinking of problems right now, just going to concentrate on the p-factor !
-talk about vicarious living, thats got to be me right now.
-life can take a jolly hike right now and i am going to ride it for sure !
-as for you, what have u been upto lately ?? u know wot i don't care, but shittt, thats not really true, is it, and that is the bane of my existence.
-will i ever see you again ??? (shrug)-again not true !
-too much kick-ass in my head right now and especially after having being called a doormat-boy , couldnt i just sock everybody, drat my sense of responsibility.
-so p- here i come !

Ahhhhh......

Need a huggggggggge cuddle........

To my homeland...

An offering of Love..

Of all things Big !!

INDIA - Happy Independence Day !!(15th August 1947)

I carry you in my heart no matter where I go...your colours...and your bigness is my heart..your people so rich in love....your duskiness so full of shine...the orange glow of your skies...and the smiles amidst the hard struggles of life....your kindness amidst poverty...and your courage amidst daily disaster....your infinite tolerance....amidst daily grind....
The towering glass palaces juxtaposing shanty towns both joined by sheer will.... surge forward...the will to survive and the determination to stand tall...the urchin faces on the streets smilingly earning a daily bread...despair determinedly pushed behind an iron will to forge a better tomorrow......
The colours of Holi..and the dancing with gay abandon on urban streets, rural roads...the lighting of lamps in Diwali, of lives rich and poor...sweets served and feasts enjoyed...new clothes and flowers in hair....the dawn arrives and the perfumed oils massaged...the sun shines down...and a new day begins......

I carry you in my heart...no matter where I go....I feel your warmth no matter where I am....

A handful of childhood..

Whats it about a flickering screen in darkness thats so enticing and captivating; it draws me in and everything within me gets focused and concentrated at that one point, the screen. A sensation of being cut off from the world, a sense of peace and traquillity, me just me alone adrift in a lazy flow of thoughts.....
Long forgotten memories surface...the deep blue african sky....hunting for the magical four-leaf cloverleaf...chasing butterflies...a lil lonely..a lil sad..but a lil happy too...Light bouncing off Lake Victoria...waiting for the ice-cream cart in hot sunny sunday afternoons...a childhood full of poetic moments..serene..somewhere within I am still that lil girl...and I am still searching...only now ..I don't know what....maybe a handful of childhood.

Why ???

Why do women always have to be the one to make compromises ???!!!

Midnight.

Midnight_moods
engulfing_devouring
conscious_of_timeless_ticking
sifting_sands_slipping_softly
standing_at_crossroads
desire_n_doubt_insidously_alternating
The_velvety_darkness_shrouding
an_already_tired_mind
choices_questioning
conscious_of_timeless_ticking
yearning_n_yearning
I_have_to_let_go.

Stream_of_Life
is_in_the_here_n_now!

Keyoard_chaos!

Keyoardkeys_have_coked(lol)_off_!!
Its_hilarious_ot_to_metio_quite_quite_seseless(otverydiff_from_the_usual_scee_eh!!)
So_if_u_still_waa_cotiuig_readig_thats_fie_y_me_lol!
Wish_u_the_very_est_!!

Just_ack_from_a_fatastic_holiday_i_Scotlad!!Had_a_look_at_the_Lochess_moster(asif_there_aret_eough_already_i_my_life!!)_Great_lochs_great_looks_;-)_of_kilts_are_ottoms_good_lord_am_ot_makig_ay_sese_at_all_!!

Chatoic_just_like_my_life_well_almost!!!!